I was really hoping for minimal side effects to chemo, but hope is like playing Russian roulette when you have cancer, and the odds have been stacked high against me these past few weeks.
First, I have to take steroids the day before and the day after chemo. The day of chemo I get them through my port. They made me feel hellish, like I drank a pot of espresso with some speed mixed in. My thoughts raced and I flew off the handle at the littlest thing. Amelia says she hopes I get used to them before she kills me.
Mild nausea set in next. It was tolerable and manageable for two days. But four days out, my stomach felt like it was on fire every time I drank or ate. Then pulsating pains started throughout my body. Then feeling unstable and shaky. Then diarrhea. Then heartburn. Then my eyes start to burn. To top it off I have a serious outcrop of pimples on my face and neck.
Cancer kind of forces you to be hyper aware of your body, and that’s really bad at a time like this because now I get to feel my body being destroyed on a cellular level. The thought that keeps popping in my head is Poison the body to save the body. This is the first course of six; I have five more to go. Chemo has a cumulative effect. Things are going to get much, much worse before they get better, not that I’m exactly sure what worse and better look like. Cancer is beginning to splinter and scatter me. Maybe that means I get to choose what parts of me I pick back up when it’s over.
The Best Worst Case 
Think of you and Amelia constantly, Leah. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. Love you both.
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It is freaky when your tears burn your face.
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Hey, hang in there. Take it day by day, moment by moment. My mom just started chemo this week for breast cancer as well. The steroids gave her nightmares, and the chemo is making her nauseous and tired. I’m sending you lots of good vibes and a virtual hug. 🙂
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Thank you! I have a plan next time for the steroids – make something, anything to keep my crazed mind busy. I started a list of safe activities (things that don’t require too many power tools) like making bird houses, coloring mandalas, and making lacto-fermented ginger beer.
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Those projects sound so fun! I’m trying to get my mom to do perler beads. The bird house idea sounds really fun.
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Sending you good thoughts and love everyday.
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Thank you, Margot! xoxo
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ugh….this all sucks – poison the body to save it? will chew on that for awhile all the while sending you love and light…one day at a time as they say xx
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Thank you, Barbara. xo
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I know too many people who have had cancer. The way the chemo works on their bodies to save them is the hardest time to remain a believer in all things good. The “we have to practically kill you to save you” is still the bitch of all of it. I never was a praying person, until cancer started taking my friends and family. Now I pray and meditate daily for anyone I know who is in the path of the cancer beast. You are such an amazing and inspiring person, and I know cancer has met its match with you. Give it hell! And you create and live through it like a warrior! Peace and lots of light to you.
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