September 19, 2015

I have never had a stitch (although I should have). I have never gone to the doctor for a broken bone (although I should have). The thought of someone cutting a body part off of me and sewing me up is very unsettling. It’s a large breast and there are going to be a lot of stitches and staples.

There will be 2-3 drains with drain bulbs stitched into my chest. Creepy and gross. I’ll have to measure the amount of fluid that comes out of the drain bulbs every day and when it’s under a certain amount they get taken out.

It doesn’t matter what I think right now: Whatever is in my body is in my body and has been there. I’m trying not to overthink it too much.

My sentinel lymph nodes will get taken out and tested on Thursday during the mastectomy. Sentinel lymph nodes are the first nodes that the cancer would travel into if it travels. How the doctors see which ones are the sentinel nodes is by injecting a radioactive tracer a few hours before surgery. Imaging with blue dye is then used to see which nodes turn blue first; those are the sentinels. A pathologist tests the removed nodes right there in the operating room and results will be negative or positive that cancer has passed through them. If yes, then more get taken out. If no, there’s a 15% chance that it will be a false negative. Either way we wait 7-10 days for a comprehensive pathology report to tell us whether or not the cancer is invasive. The initial biopsy was noninvasive, but it was teeny tiny and is not a guarantee.

Size matters with cancer, and bigger is not better. Mine is giant. Statistically, there is a better chance some cancer cells slipped out through my lymph nodes and into my system. But there’s always a chance that they did not. I don’t feel like I can hold onto either scenario because what’s there is there, and my thoughts cannot change it. Yet I am thinking about it a lot.

I’ve never been in a position before where it doesn’t matter what I want. I have no choice right now and I don’t like it one bit.

I don’t want to have cancer and I don’t want to lose my left breast.