I think about writing something every day. There is still so much to navigate through: sadness, grief, physical discomfort, confusion, frustration. All of these things lead me down a very dark path towards my life long backseat driver, depression.
Frustration is not my friend. I give it way too much attention and it can paralyze me, but it also gives me an opportunity to innovate if I don’t self-implode first. I can fix or make just about anything, but I can’t fix me. Maybe there is nothing to fix?
I haven’t really stopped working since my diagnosis. There’s something inside me that won’t let me stop now. I used to be able to walk away from my long To Do List and focus on whatever, whenever. It was freeing. Not anymore. I am now a full-tilt working beast.
At first I thought this was a good thing – I was actually crossing things off my To Do List! Inconceivable! But, the To Do List never ends, especially when you own a business. Build a walk in cooler, design a bar, repair tables, fix the ice machine, brew the beer, prep and cook the food, fix a leaky sink, deal with people on every level. I have a need to finish everything on the list now. Now I cannot leave something undone, because how do I know the cancer isn’t already back?
So many questions because of cancer – Is this what I want to be doing? Do I want to live here? How long can I work like this? What is the end game? Will I ever be content?
I can relate to your feelings. I think we were diagnosed about the same time (Oct 2015). I too had radiation at CMC with Karla. I learned about her passing from your blog. So sad, and scary. I seem to be healthy, but I also live with that nagging suspicion that maybe the cancer is back. And how will I know? And I have dealt with depression for more than 20 years. But last year I decided to live my life in 5 year blocks. They always talk about 5 year survival rates. It has given me some freedom to do things I want to do that I might not have before because of finances or some other silly reason. So now I take more time off of work to go see friends or concerts or whatever sounds like fun. If I’m not still here in 2020, I don’t want to have regrets. And if I am, I will restart the clock and enjoy the next 5 years. Since this decision, I have felt less anxiety. We all have to find what works for us.
I enjoy your blog. I learned about it from Allison Hancock. I work at a Agava in Ithaca.