I think about writing something every day. There is still so much to navigate through: sadness, grief, physical discomfort, confusion, frustration. All of these things lead me down a very dark path towards my life long backseat driver, depression.
Frustration is not my friend. I give it way too much attention and it can paralyze me, but it also gives me an opportunity to innovate if I don’t self-implode first. I can fix or make just about anything, but I can’t fix me. Maybe there is nothing to fix?
I haven’t really stopped working since my diagnosis. There’s something inside me that won’t let me stop now. I used to be able to walk away from my long To Do List and focus on whatever, whenever. It was freeing. Not anymore. I am now a full-tilt working beast.
At first I thought this was a good thing – I was actually crossing things off my To Do List! Inconceivable! But, the To Do List never ends, especially when you own a business. Build a walk in cooler, design a bar, repair tables, fix the ice machine, brew the beer, prep and cook the food, fix a leaky sink, deal with people on every level. I have a need to finish everything on the list now. Now I cannot leave something undone, because how do I know the cancer isn’t already back?
So many questions because of cancer – Is this what I want to be doing? Do I want to live here? How long can I work like this? What is the end game? Will I ever be content?
Sharing camp asparagus with Henny
Suddenly a year has gone by and the thought that keeps popping up in my mind is, “What the hell just happened?” Last year cancer kicked me off off a cliff. I am still climbing back up that cliff, but is that what I’m supposed be doing?
The urge to run away has been extremely strong. It’s a very foreign feeling to me because I consider myself an expert at hunkering down and riding things out, but lately I find myself looking at jobs far away and wanting to just leave, to be anywhere but here. This is what my anxiety feels like. I have to stop in these moments and let it sink in – this is anxiety and it’s not going anywhere; it’s a part of me now. That doesn’t mean I have to follow the anxiety or run from it. But like anything else in life, I have to understand it before I can deal with it.
I am restless and getting nowhere because I am running in place. We all seem to be running; towards something, away from something, or running to run to something else. We’re hurrying along separately together and all the while a clock is quietly tick-tocking. There is no destination, no prize, but we don’t stop, we can’t stop. It’s a compulsion, gotta keep moving, moving, moving…
Maybe I just need to sit. To see the train, acknowledge the train, but not get on the train. Maybe I need to watch the train go by. Sometimes what you think you should do and what you actually should do are not the same thing.