Suddenly a year has gone by and the thought that keeps popping up in my mind is, “What the hell just happened?” Last year cancer kicked me off off a cliff. I am still climbing back up that cliff, but is that what I’m supposed be doing?
The urge to run away has been extremely strong. It’s a very foreign feeling to me because I consider myself an expert at hunkering down and riding things out, but lately I find myself looking at jobs far away and wanting to just leave, to be anywhere but here. This is what my anxiety feels like. I have to stop in these moments and let it sink in – this is anxiety and it’s not going anywhere; it’s a part of me now. That doesn’t mean I have to follow the anxiety or run from it. But like anything else in life, I have to understand it before I can deal with it.
I am restless and getting nowhere because I am running in place. We all seem to be running; towards something, away from something, or running to run to something else. We’re hurrying along separately together and all the while a clock is quietly tick-tocking. There is no destination, no prize, but we don’t stop, we can’t stop. It’s a compulsion, gotta keep moving, moving, moving…
Maybe I just need to sit. To see the train, acknowledge the train, but not get on the train. Maybe I need to watch the train go by. Sometimes what you think you should do and what you actually should do are not the same thing.