I’m on Cancer Time now

Acknowledging that there may be cancer cells floating around inside my body waiting to land, divide, and multiply is hard. I want to ignore it and not think about it but the thought nags at me throughout each day. There’s no way of knowing, no tests that could find such tiny things. Aches and pains that seemed normal before September 3, 2015 now easily turn into a quiet paranoia. I find that when something is really truly wrong, there is a stillness and calm that sets in, a dead quiet in my mind. Not really what I would call peaceful; it’s more like an intense focus on the situation, whether it’s that I drilled my thumb, cut a two-inch gash in my hand, watched Amelia’s face swell after a bee sting, or witnessed someone get hit by a truck. Panic doesn’t work in these situations – a purposeful calm does.

The fact is, I’m two stages closer to the real worst case scenario than I have ever been, and it’s an uncomfortable emotional state to be in. I am not usually a time-focused person, but cancer is now forcing me to think about things in more of a time-critical way. When will I be 100% recovered from surgery? When will I adjust to not having a breast? What will the scar look like in a year? What will chemo be like? When will I recover from chemo? When will I lose my hair? When will my hair grow back? When will a day go by that Amelia and I aren’t consumed by cancer? When will I feel normal again? When can I say I am cancer-free? When will I feel safe?

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2 responses

  1. apologize f this is a duplicate – couldn’t find it after I posted
    greetings from Ireland… we have met at Felicia’s and Felicia’s Guinness cupcakes have been baked for my husband and daughter on their joint Patricks day birthday ..I have loved the community you built at Felicia’s and now find I am deeply grateful for your sharing this blog… my sister was diagnosed in September too.. triple negative…now she and we are on cancer time with her… I am so moved by what you are sharing here – saddened and strengthened at once and want to let you know that I wish you strength and healing and love….more love…and more love. If there is anything you or Amelia need – shout it out – we want to help in anyway you need. Some things cannot be fixed…they must be carried …..the load could be lighter together…..peace and love….. Barbara

    Liked by 1 person

    • Barbara, thank you for all the love. I will take it! I highly recommend https://community.breastcancer.org/ for anyone dealing with the many aspects of cancer. These forums really helped me navigate my way through. So many women (and men) have been or are now on this overwhelming path. I’d like to think and hope that we have power in numbers to do what you said, carry it, and lighten the load together. Love to you, your sister and your family.

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