I’m very aware that anger doesn’t belong anywhere in the cancer equation for me. It didn’t belong anywhere before cancer either. Anger to me is usually a byproduct of some other emotion. I’d rather figure out what my true underlying emotions are than to let anger bubble up through the surface and take me down some dark path at 100 million miles an hour. Anger is lightning quick; emotions are grandma slow. I like to follow speedy cars when I drive, but emotionally, I like it just fine hanging out with grandma.
I could see how people that don’t know me well could assume that I am an angry person in general. I have a way of marching through life that’s a little aggressive at times. I see this as a necessity as a woman. It may be 2015 but we still have to work at least twice as hard to be taken seriously and get paid 30% less. WTF? I will not be meek and lady-like. I will not be small. I will meet you head on, whoever and whatever you are. I will be myself. I’ve always liked the quote, “Well-behaved women rarely make history,” because it’s spot on. Women that are deemed “aggressive” usually get that other fun word attached to them: Bitch. But somehow I get away with it. In fact, the way assert myself is expected and accepted by the people around me. I’m not sure how or when this happened but somehow I got taken seriously. Strange that when a man walks through life aggressively it’s considered a positive thing.
I reserve anger for very few things, like the idiots I have to share the road with or turning it towards myself. My own worst enemy is and always will be me. Irritation and annoyance? Now those are my things. But even this is beginning to change. I don’t think I can justify feelings of annoyance and irritation now, certainly not anger. It’s an energy suck, and I need all my energy right now.