What The Hell Just Happened?

Suddenly a year has gone by and the thought that keeps popping up in my mind is, “What the hell just happened?” Last year cancer kicked me off off a cliff. I am still climbing back up that cliff, but is that what I’m supposed be doing?

The urge to run away has been extremely strong. It’s a very foreign feeling to me because I consider myself an expert at hunkering down and riding things out, but lately I find myself looking at jobs far away and wanting to just leave, to be anywhere but here. This is what my anxiety feels like. I have to stop in these moments and let it sink in – this is anxiety and it’s not going anywhere; it’s a part of me now. That doesn’t mean I have to follow the anxiety or run from it. But like anything else in life, I have to understand it before I can deal with it.

I am restless and getting nowhere because I am running in place. We all seem to be running; towards something, away from something, or running to run to something else. We’re hurrying along separately together and all the while a clock is quietly tick-tocking. There is no destination, no prize, but we don’t stop, we can’t stop. It’s a compulsion, gotta keep moving, moving, moving…

Maybe I just need to sit. To see the train, acknowledge the train, but not get on the train. Maybe I need to watch the train go by. Sometimes what you think you should do and what you actually should do are not the same thing.

2 responses

  1. Yes, this year has just vanished, it seems. All the while, we take on all that is dumped in our path; getting through, moving forward through the thick mud of life.
    I will sit and watch the same train with you. This next year is going to be kick ass, buddy. Really kick ass, I promise.
    Big hugs.


  2. so there you are! good to hear you agin….I’ve been out of the country and have missed your posts… yeah… I get what your feeling…. I can feel it too on another level…glad to know we’re neighbors and can call on each other for whatever we need …hope you know that too..love & peace

    Liked by 1 person

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